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Feb. 5th, 2010 | 11:17 pm
mood: pissed offpissed off

Ive done everything for you. I tell you everything because all you did was ask. Its been almost two years and you cant tell me when you have a god damn headache? Especially when i ask specificaly. You made me feel like I had done something terrible by asking if you were ok. What the hell is that? Learn your damn lessons or theres no way ill do it all anymore. I know your not normally like this. so please just smarten up. Maybe to you it isnt lieing, but to me it is.

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Nonno

Dec. 9th, 2009 | 09:57 pm
mood: crushedcrushed

To the man who never gave up on me.

I miss you. I miss you so bad I want to cry every minute of every day just so I will never forget anything about you. I passed my class 5 and it didnt mean half as much just because I couldnt be sure to call you first and hear how proud you were of me. I wanted to show You the photos I did for your funeral. No matter what you were always the one person that made me feel as though someone was always proud of me no matter what it was I did. You made me feel important and loved. You made me feel unique and special and as though I had something no one could ever take away from me.

I cant stop the tears from rolling down my face. This Friday will be the one month anniversary of your passing. It has been the longest month of my life.

You were always the person who would of course, shove your opinion in my face, thats what made you, you. But you would always want me to be happy more than you wanted tobe right. You believed in everything I wanted to do. You bought me my first digital camera. I remember it with such detail... you asked me what I wanted for christmas and i said "Well I know but I dont think I'll get it.." I told you it was a digital camera because I liked photography and you smirked. You found out about cameras and everything and bought me an amazing camera. Placed in a bag which you wrote "HANDLE WITH CARE" all over.

It made me laugh, because I knew what you had got me =]

Im glad you dont have to suffer anymore. You were the glue to our family and now your gone. I miss you and I love you so much. I will always be nonnos little girl.

I would give anything to have you back, but since thats not how it works..

I just want you to know I love you, and I will never forget anything about you.

Thank you for everything. My heart hurts so bad, and it will never be whole again, but I need to thank you for everything you did for me. You were the best and I hope you know that.

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Hey look, I found my password.

Nov. 7th, 2009 | 09:39 pm
mood: distresseddistressed

Wow,  I finally found my password for this thing.

I hate my life =]

Hate it hate it hate it.


Any tiny little thing that seems to be going ok it ruined and destroyed and shot and killed so I can never actually be happy.

Cant I have one sure thing?

Im too sick to go out. I have so much I need to do. Im tired all the time. I have no power in my body. Im fat now. And every time I try to do something about it, something else goes wrong. Im tired of doctors.. ive been to so many and taken so many pills.. im tired of my home.. my family.. whatever.. im tired of having no energy whatsoever from all thse pills and things.. and im just plain tired.

I need someone or something to actually be there for me. Not at your convenience. If one of you were in this situation, I would be there for you. Thats what a friend is. Not some jackass that assumes its all about them, and because they try to be nice I should change me.

I want to know whats wrong with me already. I cant take the pain anymore.

I think im depressed.

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(no subject)

Apr. 24th, 2009 | 11:26 pm
mood: okayokay

Yo Freaks XD

Long time to update.. yeah

Was sick, got better, now im sick again. So excited to see the doctors on Monday. Joy. Enthusiam. Excitement. Kill me =P

Other than that everythign is okay.

Ive had to start taking sleeping pills sometimes because Ive had such bad insomnia I can hardly function. Ywes, I finally gave in to the stupid pills. They suck.

Okay turns out im kind of too tired to update. Work in the morning (of course).

Ill try to post again soon. See yah.

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Oh dear.

Sep. 23rd, 2008 | 09:35 pm
mood: worriedworried

I've heard it said.. that people come into our lives...for a reason..bringing...something we must learn...

September 23rd, 2008.

I'll never forget today.

Woke up.. went to the doctor (yet again)... still nothing but more tests... could be a tumor.. in my kidneys and if not.. some sort of kdiney disease.... joy oh joy. I dont actually care. As long as they finally figure it out I dont care! so..back in for another ultrasound.. and then if that doesnt come up some other weird scan that will expose me to a bunch of radiation. bring on the sickness bitches.

This wasnt even the highlight of my day,

Left there.. went to that wonderful hospital to see my favoritest nonno in the whole world again.. and i was pretty much trying not to cry the whole tiem i was there. As soon as I walked in, we were alone. Which was nice.. i never get to see nonno alone anymore.. but he was upset. As soon as I went in he told me nonna was lookign at nursing hoems for him and how much he hated the ideaof being stuck in one of those.. he hates that he cant walk. he has been sick for an extra 8 years. He was supposed to die within a year of being diagnosed but hes lasted 8 mroe years. Nonno told me all about how he was feeling.. he looks tired now.. he looks.. weak. I know he isnt, he never ever has been.. but I get where hes coming from. He told me about the pain hes in. I asked him about his physio and he said it feels like theres no point.. he knows he'll probably never be able to walk again.. he doesnt have the strength to. He said theyre trying to get him to kinda shuffle around from chair to chair.. and he did it yesterday but it was so hard he doesnt even know if he can do it today. I cant even type more aout it.. but when I had to go because he was heading to physio , he took my hand like he always does.. his version of a hug i guess.. and he held it tight.. which he never does. and with tears in his eyes, he told me to always be a good girl and how he was dieing and I needed to get through it and all this stuff and he kept squeezing my hand. He didnt want to let me go.. it was killing me hearing him talk like that because I know if he really wnated to hold on he could, but I know he just hates what the cancer has done to him. The medication makes him.. not himself. He knows it, we know it, but no one would ever say it because why would you crush him even more, right?

I cried into Ehsan for like 15 minutes straight and he had noidea why. I couldnt speak all I could do was shake and cry. I couldnt help it.. by the time I got to him I had tried so hard not to cry if i didnt i would have passed out.

Watching someone die is the hardest thing ever. And nonno, no matter what, you're still my hero and I will never give up on you.

Ive been at the hospital so much in the last two weeks.. ill probably be there again tomorrow.. but im going to keep going. You kept telling me how proud you are of me, well im even prouder of you.


You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart.
 
Times are hard, and I dont care if you care. Im going to continue to live my life. Im going to do what makes me happy just like ive been doing. If you dont want to be there with me, thats okay with me. I still have my nonno.. for now. and hes always proud of me. My heart broke a little today when he didnt want to let me go.. because it actually felt like he was scared he'd never see me again. But...

We'll meet again, no matter what.

I dont even know if i made sense in any of this... it gets so hard to think when I picture him in that hospital bed.. =(

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(no subject)

Aug. 20th, 2008 | 10:24 pm
mood: crushedcrushed

 Wow, crying again.

What happened to me? I cant fall into this stupid state again.. I just cant not now not ever.

Why doesnt anyone really get it? Thats great you have your "opinions" but what about how i feel? I dont want to quit my job, i dont want to stop skating, I dont want to go to the doctor every second day. I DONT WANT IT.

I dont need much to keep me happy but right now im getting nothing. I have maybe one thing left that amkes me happy and sure i talk about it alot but at least im happy when i do.. I dont know what to say. Sorry? I know it was my bad but still. Not like im the only one whos ever done it.

I wake up in the morning and all i feel is hurt. and not even physically. just Hurt. 

I dont want to change anymore I dont want anyone else to think ive changed. Rather I cant stand you ACCUSING me of changing when its not me thats become a bitch, but you whos become lazy. I swear if I have the operation you know who would visit me in the hospital? Maybe two people and everyone else would probably say "Oh ill go later" and never even bother. Proves how much I mean to you guys. 

This is not supposed to be such a hard time.. this is supposed to be a good time. Even nonno is moving around a bit. Everytime I get sicker everyone just pulls father and father away. what is it like a just in case im gunna get the hell out of here type of thing?

im so frustrated and sad I dont even know what to do anymore. 

I'm Sorry, but I cant be the strong one anymore.

Even now my side hurts. my head pounds.. my eyes water. and who really cares?

Honestly, I dont know one person that truly cares anymore. Or can be bothered to.

Fuck the world, fuck you all. If you guys ever want me back come look for me. Ill be here buried in a hole crying my fucking eyes out. Im not coming to you anymore. Assholes. This is enough.

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(no subject)

Aug. 8th, 2008 | 11:20 pm
mood: depresseddepressed

This is the story of a girl.

Who cried a river and drowned the whole world

and though she looked so sad in photographs

I absoloutly love her,

when she smiles.


Whichever God is really out there, please help me. Just this one time.

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(no subject)

Jul. 25th, 2008 | 07:35 pm
mood: cheerfulcheerful

  MY DOCTOR IS A COMPLETE MORON

In other news, You rock.

How is it no matter what I feel like you always make me smile like an idiot? XD

Now make time for me, bitch.

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(no subject)

Jul. 20th, 2008 | 11:24 pm
mood: draineddrained


When life throws you lemons, make lemonades

..... But I dont like lemonade....

Life sure doesnt like to do me any favors =P



Hunny, I miss you. 

<3

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Life.

Jun. 17th, 2008 | 12:20 am
mood: blahblah

Life is like living in a dream sometimes isnt it?

Shit happens.. we deal with it.. whatever.

As children.. we play, laugh, sing, cry, and smile like mad. We are carefree.. as long as we get to see our mommy's and daddy's ..along with our after wschool snakcs.. and saturday morning cartoons. 

Wait.. I dont think I really got much of those things. Mommy and Daddy were always busy with Kristen.. and my nonna fed me after school snacks when shehad me. But I never had saturday morning cartoons, I was always skating.

Thats okay though. Then the later years comes.. Maybe when were.. preteens I guess is the word. We care about how cool our friends are, and maybe th type of clothing were wearing...and of course.. how high school is going to be. For me,  I was also concerned about my mom in these few years with all the stress at the rink.. This is also when Nonno started to get sick. But my last couple years of elementary school were basicaly trying to decide the next 5 years of my life. Highschool. I could have easily gotten into one of those stupid alternative schools... but why bother when i had so little time to begin with? No thanks, school aint for this kid anyways.

Highschool came and went. It felt like forever. I made some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for. Honestly, even through all the suffering, all the people I met in highschool are people I can never forget. God how highschool built us all. Who am I? Well. let me think. Im the same person I was when I was 5 years old. Im Jolene Lambley. That stubborn, whole hearted kid, with spirit that will never really die and more strength then you guys will ever know. What happened to me in the last year?

Gee let me think. Since I left highschool one year ago.. I have fallen sick. I was rushed to emergency almost one year ago now. Unable to stand, walk, and barely breathe. What did they say was wrong with me? Abseloutly nothing. Shocker. A few months later, after working my ASS off for so long.. it happened again. I could not be taken to emergency this time due to the fact I was in school.. and did not yet have a car. So I called my other half Suzanna Sam to come walk me from the skytrain. I dont think I would have made it home otherwise. Again I went to the doctor. This time my family doctor. And he discovered some Cyst.. and a whole buncha swollen organs. And I mean a whole bunch. And who came with me? Suzanna Sam. After these check ups, I fell sick a couple more times.. but nothing that great. Then on my 19th birthday, at work i might add, I almost collapses at work again. Who was there to save me this time? Suzanna wasnt here. Ehsan. Drove me home in a panic, and then took care of me until I could move properly again. Thank god. He saved my ass on my birthday and I appreciate it so much. Then there was a few more times.. the ..third most recent I tried to drive myself home.. I almost killed myself and ALMOST SMASHED MY BEAUTIFUL CAR. I had to pull over into a parking lot and Called who else, but Suzanna Sam. She came, from a movie, and found me rolling around in my car hysterically. I had to get her to drive me home.. with her learners license only. I couldnt do it, and who else would I trust for something like that? She took me home and took care of me tht day. <3. The next day.. I fell sick at work again.. I lay on the library floor covered in grad gowns.. with ehsan looking after me (again)... asking every couple mintes if I was ok.. I decided I couldnt stay and I needed to go somewhere that wasnt home. I got a hold of Jacob Schroeder.. My long time buddy. Ehsan drove me to jakes, and jake drove him back. and I just kind of died at Jakes house. 

Ive been to the doctor again and he said.. maybe its multiple cysts? So were trying something else.

Seriously though. Im not supposed to be getting worse. Not only that, I get this stupid fever all the time ESPCIALLY with the pain. Thats not right. Im 19 years old with a bad history of cancer in the family The first thought from all the doctors was cancer. Im scared. I really am. But im never going to give in. Im tired as fuck, getting fat because im so sick, but Im still trying .. SO HARD... to keep my spirits high. 

What do I have to keep them high?

You knwo what. This time I can answer that.

You.

You reading this right now.

My friends.

My family, who, even though Aunt Sandra is no longer with us, still stands.

My life.

I have my life.

Even though my life has never been easy or perfect.. really in any way shape or form. I have these tiny little things everyday that make me happy.

I like seeing my mom when shes in a good mood.. I like it when my daddy taklks to me. I like watching nonna cook and nonno watch his tv shows. I like going to movies with uncle mike. I like knowing I have this huge family who would probably loveme no matter what.. and knows that I AM something to be proud of. Nonno doesnt even know Im sick because he cant handle it right now.

I like seeing my friends. No, I LOVE seeing my friends. I love to just sit with you guys and do nothing. I like going out and talking. I like seeing movies with you. I like so much about you guys, were justgreat together. But what happens when you dont call me and im actually sick? Why should I bother? I cant do everything. Dont you assholes EVER... EVER blame me again for being "TOO BUSY" for you. You all FUCKING know I will make time for you. Sure it isnt easy, but I find a way. I have been the whole year. I have gotten myself in more trouble then ive ever been in for you guys and who appreciates it? I dont even know.

Suzanna Sam, Love you. Please never forget me =(

Jessica Tsang, Ive helped you as much as I possibly can.. please start showing me youve been listening because I knwo you arent as dumb as you pretend to be.

Becky Parkinson, I love you to death, but you need to add some priorities to your list. Boys arent everything.

Sophie G. Your hilarious, but think of other peoples points of view a bit more often.

Samir I, Your great, dont be such a pussy

Sim R, You can be awesome, but quit the act. This aint highschool anymore. And stop blaming me for shit. Just stop.

Eric B, Just calm down and you;d be great

Alex S, Your funny, but sometimes you overreact

Matt H, Confusing. I like it.

Shaun B, You need to get over yourself and help me make thigns how they used to be. Its obvious we miss eachothers company, dont be a bitch.

Marek, Sometimes, just listen a bit more. I really am trying to help you in my own hidden ways. Stop asking the wrong questions repeatedly.

Dennis, what happened to my phone call?

Ehsan, You know what, dont change. You were right. Your comfortable as you and thats great.

Moe, Toughen up

Alia H, You know, I miss you, but fuck you. Using me like that... Just fuck you

I dont know who i forgot.. i dont really care. I went to work today and literally turned around and come home 15 minutes later. Ive been in a bit of pain the whole day... but its ok. because im tougher than you can imagine.

You know why? Because I take after my nonno. Thats right. Jolene Lambley, takes after Joe Ambrosio. Love you nonno, I wish I could say that to your face more often. 

This post was mostly for me. Ive just been so sad, but so happy in the last little while.. And I guess Im saying I need you. But, without you.. Id still have so much more.

Although... its killing me not being able to skate. I miss it and its only been.. a week?..... Please god, let me get better. <3 Soon.

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